Flint

December 3, 2013, 6:25 pm

≫ Next: Jackhammer Jesus

≪ Previous: Alien

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For today's review, I'll be looking at Flint by Bad Dragon. As always, click any image to see a larger version!

 Sides:

Head:
(or pretty sparkles and lint:)

Base:

Flint is a monster.¹ The dildo pictured above is a small. This is the first Bad Dragon toy I've disagreed with their sizing on. Due to its width, at two and a half inches, I'd classify it as a medium even if it is short enough to pass off as a small. Below are the specs for the small and the three even larger sizes:

Dimensions (inches)	Small	Medium	Large	Extra Large
Total Length	7.00	8.50	11.00	13.00
Usable Length	5.50	6.50	8.50	10.00
Circumference of Shaft	7.50	9.00	11.13	13.50
Diameter of Shaft	2.50	3.00	3.25	4.25
Circumference of Head	5.50	6.25	7.25	8.75

Like all Bad Dragon toys, there are a ton of customizable features. To start with, there are three different firmnesses: soft, medium, and hard. I went with the medium firmness to make sure I'd be able to feel the studs, but still have some squish. Generally I'd recommend the medium firmness, but if you are worried about Flint's girth, then soft is the way to go. At this time, Flint does not have a suction cup in any size. Cumtubes are available in all sizes though, which come with a bottle of cumlube. For coloration, almost anything can be done with marbles, stripes, metallics, and glow in the dark. Flint does have some rather lovely toy-specific colors, which you can view here. My Flint is in Sinister Pumpkin, a super gorgeous orange/blue-black marble, and it even has a bowler hat². This color can in fact be ordered at any time of year, as a blank custom marble with a comment on the checkout page that the toy is intended to be Sinister Pumpkin.

Though Flint certainly needed lube, due to the lack of knot and gradual size increase I only needed four drops. This is a smooth hefty toy, and has a solid base for gripping. The scales/plates are as fabulous as they look, especially for textured thrusting. The foreskin was also fairly noticeable, and my vagina focused on it rather than the tip of the head during penetration. Luckily for myself, Flint's foreskin did not pop under my pubic bone, but I expect for some vulva owning users, Flint may. The middle has a slight bulge to ensure a full feeling. This toy also has a few fun rivulets, such as the two near the top of the base for bottoming-out easily³. My favorite thing about the Flint, is that it not only stretches, but is also easy to take entirely. As much as I love Bad Dragon's Bruiser and Xar, both of them take a while to engulf. Flint can actually be used for a quick session. This toy also gives a strong feeling of emptiness or stretchiness after being removed. Flint is safe for anal use, though far too large for myself. All in all, this is certainly a lovely toy for size queens.

Coming out of the Bad Dragon Labs, this was the first staff pick chosen for full production. The sketches there are fun to browse, and if inspired, you can submit a design for a new Bad Dragon toy!  

¹Wait...haven't I already started a review like this?  

³ Note: easily as the width wasn't too much for me. I would not recommend this toy to people who have not tried two inch wide dildos or larger.

 

Grade Breakdown: 96

Value: 4/5

Premade Cheaper Flints or Create-Your-Own

Aesthetics: 20/20

I am in love with this marble.

Pleasure: 72/75

Intended Pleasure: 5/5

Reusability: 17/20

Like many silicone toys, Flint is a lint magnet.

Also due to Flint's width, I could not use it doggy-style.

Best Functionality: 50/50

Stretching and feeling like your orifice is such a champ.

Thanks Bad Dragon!

FTC: Bad Dragon provided Sex Toy Review Land with Flint free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of my opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.

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Jackhammer Jesus

December 9, 2013, 8:41 pm

≫ Next: Cucumber

≪ Previous: Flint

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For today's review, just in time for the holidays, I'll be looking at Jackhammer Jesus by Divine Interventions. As always, click any image to see a larger version!

Front:

Back (cosmetic damage):

 Sides:

Head close up:

 Jackhammer Jesus is one of the more provocative Divine Interventions creations, and certainly the most provocative toy I own. People new to my collection often eye gigantic fantasy cocks, long knives, and a ridiculous amount of partially used lube bottles¹, without comment; but talking tends to start the moment they see a silicone crucifix.

Jackhammer Jesus checks in at an insertable seven and a half inches, with a width of an inch and three-quarters. The cross top allows for both harness use and safe anal play, it's also a great handle. Divine Interventions' silicone is on the firm side, and also fairly static-y. Beyond blue, this toy comes in red, purple, black, gray, gold, and glow in the dark. As you can see in the image above of the toy's back, there was a cosmetic defect which did not affect use.

The start of this dildo is fabulous, with a sloped head and three ribs for stimulation. The feet unfortunately, are rather abrupt. Even with lots of lube, I found them uncomfortable during insertion. For vaginal use, after a few thrusts any discomfort went away, and the feet tended to press against my g-spot. Between the ridges rubbing against my vaginal walls and feet kicking my g-spot, this dildo was particularly orgasmic and easy to produce multiple orgasms with.² For anal use, the feet made any thrusts have too much drag, though stationary use like a plug was fine.

¹Does anyone here actually finish their lube? I always pause once it's halfway empty unless I have another bottle of the exact brand and style.
²After around a dozen I lost count.

Grade Breakdown: 87

Value: 3/5

$65

This is a bit high for a dildo with cosmetic faults.

Aesthetics: 15/20

The divot detracts,

but the silicone is really pretty.

Pleasure: 69/75

Intended Pleasure: 4/5

Reusability: 17/20

Lint magnet.

Best Functionality: 48/50

G-spotting. Kinking Jesus.

Thanks Divine Interventions!

FTC: Divine Interventions provided Sex Toy Review Land with Jackhammer Jesus free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of my opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.

Cucumber

December 29, 2013, 8:48 am

≫ Next: Sqweel Go

≪ Previous: Jackhammer Jesus

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For today's review, I'll be looking at the Cucumber by Damn Average. As always, click any image for a larger version!

Longways:

Sideways:

Base:

 Size Comparison (Devil and Cush):

If you're having trouble eating enough daily vegetables, this dildo probably won't help, but it'll definitely be a more fun way to consume cucumbers.¹ There are four Cucumbers instockcurrently, and there is a hiatus on custom-made creations. The Cucumbers can come in near natural coloring (it has a lovely glimmer), or can be any solid color, glow in the dark, metallics, stripes, etc. This toy was actually molded from a homegrown cucumber, and has a small dirt base. Though in soft and super soft, the toy can't stand², the base does work for easy grasping, harness play, and safe anal insertion. 

The Cucumber is on the long and slim side of things, with most of the circumference at six inches, the top portion is around four, while the insertable length is at seven and a half inches. The simple design is great for thrusting, and the toy gently inserts. For myself this is a great warm-up dildo before moving to bigger toys. There are a few minor raised pinprick bubbles on the Cucumber, but it's nothing that interferes with its functionality.

My Cucumber is cast in the super soft firmness, which is a little softer than Bad Dragon's soft. Although I didn't find this too soft for the Orc, it was a little too soft for this toy, and I'd recommend going with soft or hard. Soft is comparable to slightly stale gummy candy, and hard is like salami- though bendier. The super soft was too floppy for me to use anally³, and even when using vaginally, the Cucumber needed to be inserted halfway before any thrusting was possible. This degree of softness also dials back the textures, which is unfortunate for this model as the Cucumber's bumps would be far more exciting in soft or hard. On the bright side, the super soft is the squishiest silicone I've ever tried, and thus I was able to painlessly use it while sore and menstruating. If you're into play related to falling asleep with a toy inserted or being awoken with one, the super soft is squishy enough for comfy sleep play.

At this point, you may be thinking that you should just buy a natural cucumber, as they are a fairly cheap veggie, and worst case scenario, you'll be out fifty cents⁴. However, with an edible cucumber you wouldn't be able to safely engage in anal play or easily attach it to a harness. For vaginal use, you'd need to use condoms to ensure hygiene. Finally, even if you found the perfect cucumber, it would still perish. If you're curious about vegetable play and have a vagina, that would be a good place to start, but for a long term toy or another orifice, you'll want to go silicone.   

¹The only other silicone cucumber I've found is this wine cork.
²The jury's still out on if it can stand with a hard firmness.
³Which is very disappointing, as I bet this would make a fabulous anal dildo and double-penetration toy.
⁴Or more perhaps if it's organic/depending on where you live- hopefully you're not from Falkland.

Grade Breakdown: 84

Value: 4/5

$65

Aesthetics: 17/20

The light shimmer in the green and brown 

keeps this toy from being dull.

Pleasure: 63/75

Intended Functionality: 4/5

Reusability: 14/20

This one collects even more lint than the other DA toys,

it needs the most bath time.

Best Functionality: 45/50

Comfortable penetration even when sore,

the shape and super softness were both conducive to this.

Thanks Damn Average!

 

FTC: Damn Average provided Sex Toy Review Land with the Cucumber free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of the opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC. 

Sqweel Go

December 31, 2013, 8:42 pm

≫ Next: Orc

≪ Previous: Cucumber

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For today's review, I'll be looking at the Sqweel Go by Lovehoney. This is the latest iteration of the Sqweel, and I have the Sqweel 2 review here. As always, click any image to see a larger version!

 Sides:

Versus the Sqweel 2:

 Bottom/charging point:

 In motion:

The Sqweel Go¹ was a very pleasant surprise for me- I was initially worried that due to it's tiny size it simply wouldn't cut it. Instead, it quickly became my favored Sqweel. At around three inches long, it's half the size of my palm and very easy to manipulate. Although it's loud for a toy its size, in the grand scheme of things, it's a reasonable volume. This Sqweel has three speeds and three patterns, and charges via usb port. It charges for two hours for an hour of play, and glows blue while charging. The wheel does not detach for sterilization like in the previous two versions; this is unfortunate as it would probably make for a great rimming toy. This toy requires a ton of water-based lube for it's size, and the easiest application is to roll the Sqweel through a palm full of lube.² 

As with the previous Sqweels, though they are marketed as oral sex stimulators, they simply don't feel like it.³ This Sqweel is especially great at nipple stimulation and piercing stimulation. In fact if it weren't for my vch piercing, I doubt I would have enjoyed this toy simply as a foreplay tool. With my piercing out, I found the Sqweel Go to be too featherlight for any notable orgasms. Unfortunately I don't have any other piercings to compare it to, but the Sqweel Go is the only external vibrator I've used so far that is purely pleasurable against my piercing.

Unfortunately the Sqweel Go still has a major pitfall that the other Sqweels have- when pressure is applied, it stops rotating. Though this Sqweel is a little faster than the Sqweel 2, it's still not strong enough to withstand moving hips. Unless you're really into edge play, this is one of the most annoying faults when approaching orgasm. It's also fairly difficult to clean as the wheel doesn't detach. The tininess of the tongues also cover less area than previous sqweels, which may be unattractive to some users. Due to its small size though, it can be used easily with insertable toys. The Sqweel Go is not waterproof, though it is splash proof, so cleaning needs to be done carefully to avoid water getting in the motor. Cleaning the tongues with a toothbrush and then washing them off by rotation under running water seems to be the best way to clean this toy. Alternatively one could use a toy cleaner or wipes.

All in all, the Sqweel 2 is a better bet if you're looking for a toy to stimulate rimming or want larger areas covered, and you don't mind a loud toy. The Sqweel Go is superior for foreplay- especially nipple play, using with other toys, and piercing stimulation. 

¹I can't stop imagining a small dog named Sqweel, and yelling at the dog to go fetch something.  
²Please use lube with this toy. It's not worth the awkward dry tugs and pulls to save a few drops of lube.
³ I'm betting on the lack of warmth, breath, and that the ten tongues can only rotate rather than do randomized motions.

Grade Breakdown: 90

Value: 3/5

$60
A bit pricey, and the
same cost as the Sqweel 2.

Aesthetics: 19/20

Pretty adorable.

Pleasure: 68/75

Intended Functionality: 0/5

Simply doesn't feel like oral sex.

Reusability: 18/20

A bit annoying to clean.

Best Functionality: 50/50

It's perfect for piercing stimulation.
I have all the happy feels regarding this.

Thanks Lovehoney!

FTC: Lovehoneyprovided Sex Toy Review Land with Sqweel Go free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used,  this has not altered any of my opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.

Orc

January 2, 2014, 8:48 pm

≫ Next: Wax Play Candle Pack

≪ Previous: Sqweel Go

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For today's review, I'll be looking at the Orc by Damn Average. As always, click any image to see a larger version!

Size Comparison:

Base:

 Sides:

 Top Piercings:

 Bottom Piercings:

 Marble close-up/lint magnet:

Of the four Damn Average toys I've tested, the Orc is by far my favorite. If you were curious about the Flint's bumps, but worried about size, this toy is a great option. The Orc is one of those lovely toys that looks like a moderate size, but feels far girthier. Its insertable length is 5.4", and at widest its circumference hits 6.25". This toy is covered in piercings, with three ladder piercings, a prince albert, and a pubic bar. These nubs are very noticeable even in super soft, and I imagine would be even more stimulating in soft or hard.

Damn Average can do most things regarding color, whether it's glow-in-the-dark, striped, marbled, and/or metallic. I really love how this loose blue, salmon, and white marble came out. This toy especially showcases an intense level of realistic detail- from delicate wrinkles around the piercings and foreskin, to slightly uneven balls, and to the lovely veins.

During vaginal use, the ladder piercings quickly became the best feature of the Orc. These six nubs are fantastic for massaging vaginal walls and evoking gushing, and I assume would also do well anally. The super soft firmness I found to be too floppy for anal, and would suggest going with soft if you're considering anal use. The super soft firmness is however great for thrusting as quickly or as hard as one can without it causing any discomfort. It's also soft enough to use with any menstrual cycles or with sleep play. The middle portion of this dildo swells slightly to create a filling sensation, and the pubic bar piercing works well to grind against. The balls are also heavy enough to slap, and they tended to hit my perineum. I found the Orc to work well alone, and also well as a toy to prep for larger dildos. If you're specifically interested in stretch, the Orc's shaft may be a little too short, and you should check out Rudolph.

Currently Damn Average is on hiatus for creating custom toys, so if you're interested, you'll want to snatch up the last in-stock Orc.

Grade Breakdown: 93

Value: 4/5

$70

Aesthetics: 20/20

I am so in love with this marble,

I'll eventually get my nails to match it.

Pleasure: 69/75

Intended Functionality: 5/5

Reusability: 14/20

Super soft is the lint-iest of the firmnesses.

For cleaning, soap and water or boiling will do.

Best Functionality: 50/50

Super awesome for quick thrusting.

Thanks Damn Average!

 

FTC: Damn Average provided Sex Toy Review Land with the Orc free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of the opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC. 

Wax Play Candle Pack

January 7, 2014, 2:44 pm

≫ Next: Cosmic Bear

≪ Previous: Orc

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For today's review, I'll be looking at Uberkinky's Wax Play Candle Pack. As always, click any image to see a larger version!

On fire:

Color dipped:

Drippings:

Wax close up:

 Amount burned during drippings photographed:

 Two-thirds through removal:

Length:

These candles are made of a paraffin wax that melts around 130-135 degrees. Though this is cooler than dining room candles, which are likely to burn, these aren't quite as cool as some candles specifically made for wax play.¹ The paraffin also ensures that you can flip the candle upside down with minimal soot forming, over one particularly twisty session, I only counted three specks. Due to the design of these candles, they work best for creating droplets or splatters rather than pouring lines.

These candles are color dipped, rather than solid, and you can see the effect this had on the wax. I found this to be a great aesthetic disappointment, as I was looking forward to the sharp contrast of the red and black. Like any candles, the further the wax falls before hitting skin the cooler it will be, and vice-versa. Varying the distance between skin and candle is an easy way to keep things interesting. Do keep in mind though that it is harder to aim the further away you get, and completely avoid any negatively-sensitive areas. Wax play also conveniently works well with other kinks, especially knife play, predicament bondage, and flogging. Though obviously these candles can't be used underwater, they can give rubber duckies a run for their money during bath time. Hot wax on a body chilled by the air, but warmed by water is a rather awesome sensation. These candles were the perfect temperature for bath play.

These candles drip quite a bit, and can last through multiple sessions. Above I have their first use photographed with the amount of wax used and how far the candles burned down. Removal is fairly easy and painless if the wax is only one or two drops deep. If however you covered a part with more than that, removal will tug on both skin and hair (though it won't remove any). These candles were shipped in clear bag and surrounded with bubble wrap. If you're not a stickler for aesthetics, then these are the candles for you.

If you're new to wax play, Uberkinky has a lovely beginner's guide here!

¹I am a spoiled brat and prefer my wax play at exactly 124 degrees.

Grade Breakdown: 87

Value: 4/5
The more you buy, up to five,
the less the per unit price is.

Aesthetics: 9/20
If these were pure red and black,
they would have been so much more awesome.

 Pleasure: 74/75
Intended Functionality: 5/5
Reusability: 19/20
Though they are finite,
they last a very long time.
Best Functionality: 50/50
It's a toss up between flogging it off someone,
or completely covering a body part with this wax.

Thank you Uberkinky!

FTC: Uberkinky provided Sex Toy Review Land with the Wax Play Candle Pack free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of the opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.

Cosmic Bear

January 22, 2014, 9:57 pm

≫ Next: Finger Claws

≪ Previous: Wax Play Candle Pack

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For today's review, I'll be looking at Cosmic Bear by Nature Lovin' Lubricants. As always, click any image for a larger version!

Glowing:

Right after being under light:

 ~10 minutes later (still glowing, but not as vibrant green):

Glow-in-the-dark lube sounds like perfection- glowing genitals, glowing toys, and the perfect addition to any sci-fi role play.¹ Though the concept is glorious, the product did not deliver quite enough glowing for my taste.

The lube itself is fairly squishy, and has a faint odor. Taste-wise it's very close to neutral, with a touch of sourness. This lube does have a bit of grittiness to it that becomes more apparent when using orally. For this reason, I would not recommend this lube for anal play. I found this lube a bit reminiscent of Sliquid Sea, and was pleasantly surprised as this easily could have been a gambit lube, with terrible quality excused by its novelty factor. This is a water-based lube, and can be used with any toys, such as: wood, latex, and rubber. It's easily washed off with soap and water, and is non-staining.

Ingredients: Deionized Water, Zinc Sulfide Copper Doped, Propylene Grycol, Carragenan, Hydroxy Ethyl Cellulose Gum, Sodium Lactate, Citric Acid, Carbomer, Sodium Benzoate, Potassium Sorbate, Dimethyl Polysiloxane, L-lysine Hydrochloride

There is a tiny amount of silicone in this lube, so if using with silicone be sure to test it on a toy's base first. I haven't had it react with a silicone toy yet, and the silicone gives the lube a nice glide. There isn't any information on the type of carbomer used, though otherwise all the ingredients are safe. Regardless, before using test a bit of lube on your thigh or wrist for any reactions. 

The glowing is a lovely bright green, and it can be refreshed with bright light. If you're not moving, and have a layer of lube down, you'll glow for a long period of time, and it'll be fantastic.² Also as one would expect, the thicker or more blob-like, the longer and stronger it glows. However, if you begin to actually use the Cosmic Bear as a lubricant, and rub around, the glowing goes away even if you shine light on it. I automatically rub lube, so when I want to glow for more than ten seconds, I go through a lot. As the glowing factor is the deciding point, I advise thinking about how you enjoy using lube to determine if it's worth it.

¹I unfortunately have yet to get two cock-owners to slather their genitals and sword fight while making lightsaber noises.
² Coolest moment was definitely looking down at my glowing green vulva. I'm an alien!

Grade Breakdown: 73

Value: 4/5
$20 for 6 oz.

Aesthetics: 20/20
On purely aesthetic grounds,
this lube nails it.

Pleasure: 49/75
Intended Functionality: 1/5
Only worked as glowing or as a lube.
Reusability: 3/20
I went through this like water.
Best Functionality: 45/50
As an artistic awesome alienish glow,
and then after as a lubricant.

Thanks Nature Lovin' Lubricants!
facebook ~ twitter

FTC: Nature Lovin' Lubricants provided Sex Toy Review Land with the Cosmic Bear free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of my opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.  

Finger Claws

January 24, 2014, 8:57 pm

≫ Next: New Domain!

≪ Previous: Cosmic Bear

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For today's review, I'll be looking at Finger Claws by Agreeable Agony. As always, click any image for a larger version!

 Back:

 Closer as pinpoint, further as dual-sensation:

 Dual scratch:

I really, really love scratching things.¹ If you're not into scratching, you should check out an Agreeable Agony candle or rope kit instead.² If you are though, these claws absolutely rock. Made of brass or stainless steel depending on your preference, these can be easily molded to your (or a friend's) exact finger tip size with pliers.

Sensation-wise, these claws can as easily tickle as they can leave raised marks. As the tips are slightly curved, far more pressure is required than one would expect to break skin. Depending on where you rest the claw, and the length of your nails, changes play. With shorter nails or the claw set close enough to your nail bed so your nail is covered before the metal tapers, the person getting scratched will only feel the claw's tip, and thus get sensitized to its pinpoint location. Worn this way with the claw as the only focal point, far more pain can be felt. With longer nails, or the claws set far back enough that when angling them downwards both the finger nail and claw scratch skin, is the second option. I preferred this method as the dual sensation of a wider scrape followed by a sharp scratch is lovely. Either method can include the cool metal band making contact first, followed by a finger tip, and then the claw(s).

The Finger Claws make for a lovely accessory at any kinky event, especially one with a later play party. These are also great backup claws for reducing the need of long nails for scratching. Cleaning for either the brass claws or stainless steel claws can be done with rubbing alcohol. Be sure to clean before and after use.

¹My patronus would be a cat/dragon hybrid.
²Or use them as kitten scratchers and miniature pope hats (which go well with Divine Intervention toys).

Grade Breakdown: 97

Value: 5/5
$10 per claw
free shipping within the US

Aesthetics: 17/20
These are a little too minimalist for my taste.

Pleasure: 75/75
Intended Functionality: 5/5
Reusability: 20/20
Easily cleaned,
great for marking up someone to spicing up a massage.
Best Functionality: 50/50
The dual sensation scratches
with two claws is the best.

Thanks Agreeable Agony!
twitter ~ tumblr

FTC: Agreeable Agony provided Sex Toy Review Land with two Finger Claws free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used,  this has not altered any of my opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.

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New Domain!

February 2, 2014, 12:43 pm

≪ Previous: Finger Claws

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SexToyReviewLand.com is now up and running! All future reviews will be posted there, and all past toy reviews will be back-posted.

I hope to see you there,
Ella